RA and New Friendships

So, at 43, I am middle-aged.

Middle-aged and new to Chicago... and thus, looking for new friends. The question is, how do I go about finding what I'm seeking?

If Eric and I had kids, it would be easy to meet people: kids are a great ice-breaker and friendship-builder. If I were single, it would also be fairly easy to meet people through social events designed specifically for the unpartnered. If Eric and I were employed outside the home, we might also have an easier time of it, since we might find some people from the office to hang out with. And so on. 

But the thing that makes it most difficult for me to meet people and develop friendships right now is my RA. Why is that?

Well, if I were relatively healthy, Eric and I would join some sort of sports league in the city; tons of them are available. Softball, volleyball, kickball, dodgeball. These are just a few of the fun things I've done in the past (I used to be really athletic) and would love to do now... but can't. Because of my RA.

In addition, there are some other non-sports things in which I'm interested. Like making stained glass windows or doing ceramics and pottery or learning woodwork. But again, I'm limited by my RA.

So, I'm now connecting with some people online (it's an awful lot like using Match.com to try to find friends) and I'll be meeting a few of them in person shortly. But so far, I have to admit that haven't told any of them that I have RA.

I know why I haven't told them. Do you?

Comments

[WarmSocks]

Do we tell, or do we know why you haven't?
Usually, I don't tell (wrote a whole post about it). But RAGuy had his Power of 10 post, and it got me thinking. Sure, not many people know about it, but they're not going to learn if nobody tells them. I wrote a short note to everyone in my address book: "In an effort to spread the word about an often misunderstood disease, I am asking you to take one minute to read Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy’s 60-Second Guide to RA. Here is your chance to help, simply by being informed. And, if you then send this message on to (at least) ten people, we have the power of ten at work. Please help spread the word."

I've gotten some very good responses. From, "That was really well written," to "Thanks for the link," to "Is that what you have? I had no idea!"

Good luck meeting new people - it's hard in a new location even without being sick.

[Kim H]

Thanks! It is hard to meet new people.

Actually, there are a number of reasons I haven't told potential friends about it. And I'll write about them at some point, later on.

[Lissa]

I have really enjoyed reading through your blog, Kim, and I can so relate to what you have said here.

It really is very difficult to meet new people and to make friends when you work at home (or don't work, as is my case), or when you have no kids (or they are grown and pretty much have their own lives, as is my case), or when you have RA and either: 1) cannot join in the types of activities or groups you'd really like to join because you cannot actually do the activity (as in my case, I would so love to do paintball, but no way would I last more than 2 minutes before being "killed" when I can't RUN to hide behind a tree or CROUCH behind a strategically placed bale of hay! LOL) or 2) are afraid to commit to some outing with new friends in case you are not up to it when the day rolls around, thereby disappointing them.

And no, it's rare for me to tell someone I have just met or don't know well that I have RA, mainly because I know they will have no clue as to just how much the pain and/or fatigue of the disease can limit me (and I really don't relish the thought of explaining the whys, because I'm always afraid people will think I'm exaggerating), but also because I fear that if anyone I don't know well knows I am sick, that will be an automatic excuse for them to decide they don't want to know me any better. Perhaps I am wrong about this and unfairly misjudge people.

I hope you enjoy meeting your new online friends in person, and that you'll be able to find some friends in Chicago soon.

[Pollyanna Penguin]

I guess I know why ... I usually tell people once I know them, as soon as possible, because it doesn't show (lukcy me!) and I'd prefer that they understand why there are things I can't do, for all I 'don't look sick' ... but would I tell them before meeting? I doubt it!!